Day 3: Moving On

It's still not getting easier. I still miss him. I still think of him.

It's HK holiday today, so I have no work. Slept most of the day. Watched some shows on TV. Chatted with friends. And yeah, still kinda stalked him. Does he even think about me?

It sucks that you no longer matter to the person you have loved and cared so much. It sucks when you realize how dispensable you are. It sucks when you no longer have someone to say good morning or goodnight to. When he has been part of your daily habit, and now you're missing a chunk of your life.

I was looking at my Instagram feed awhile ago. I can easily pinpoint which posts I am not okay because of him. It's pretty a lot, I'll say. I remember when I was feeling disappointed or when I was heartbroken because I learned that there's someone else. I remember not talking to him on those days. And then there was me reaching out to him after few days and then we'll be okay again. It was a tiring cycle.

How can I long for someone who has caused me pain? Who has easily taken me for granted and has not valued me? Why can I not hate him? What is wrong with me?

Sorry to the person who is reading this if I'm not making sense at all. Maybe you have something that can help me?

Day 1 and Day 2 of Moving On

I have to blog again. After 2 years of hiatus, I'm back.

I'm one day delayed of starting this x days moving on series but I did feel the need to starting writing my thoughts again because I feel like I'm going crazy.

Yes, I just had my heart broken. Well, it's not really like a one event thing but it was weeks, months, years of heartaches. And just the other day, I have decided to put an end on it by sending him a goodbye email. Honestly, a part of me don't wanna do it because I know there's no turning back. I know him, he's not the type who'll go chasing. Well, I guess in the first place, he never did the chasing. But "breaking-up" with him is something which I need to do.

The first 2 days are hard. I really am missing him. Not to know what he's up to or how was his day is killing me. I'd constantly check if he's online or if he has already replied to my email (which is so unlikely though). I'm endlessly wondering if he thinks of me or even misses me. But who am I kidding? The reality is he doesn't care.

I tried to be busy. Played with my nephew, went out with my parents, chatted with my friends and did some swiping on Tinder. But hell, my mind still wanders. And then you'll have that moment of re-realization of the fact that it's over and your heart will once again hurt so bad.I don't know how long before I'll get through this but I can't wait for this moving on part to be over because this is so freaking hard!

Desperately in Love

Don't find love. Let love find you.

I read this is my news feed today. And it struck me. Because for awhile, I was desperately looking for love. Trying hard to make more of the relationship which I have right now.

I guess, I just long for that feeling. The feeling of having someone special. Someone to share your experiences/plans with. Someone to worry if you're not yet home when it's already late. Someone to wish you to have a great day at work. Someone to tell you how pretty you are in your dress. Someone to tell you how much he misses you. Someone to call your own.

Been feeling lonely for a time now. And to have someone, who would do those things for you even though you know they're not seriously into you, would make you feel really good. It would make you hope that, maybe, just maybe, it could turn to something else. Something deeper, not just a casual fling.

I admit being 28 and single is kinda scary. Specially, if you're the type who does see yourself spending your life with a partner and with a family. I don't even plan to progress much in my career because I really want to be a housewife and to be a stay-home mom. Some people think it's pathetic and a waste of my talent, but that's where my heart is. I am not really a corporate woman type.

The uncertainty makes you anxious and would make you take things into your own hands. You might say nothing is wrong with that. But admittedly, I know I can't trust myself. Because I am too afraid to end up alone, I try look for love at wrong places and just settle to what I can find.

Honestly, I don't have a bunch of checklist. I have a simple taste for guys. But for some reason, I tend to end up with guys who I know could harm me in the long run. I guess they can just sense my desperation and take advantage of it. Or maybe I am just so stupid and naive.

But if you'll think about your worth, you'll realize how much you deserve. After all, I was saved and seen precious by God. If you can see your true worth, you won't settle for anything less. Yes, it's hard to trust without knowing. But always know that you have a God who deeply cares and loves you so much.

I know how much love I can give and I want someone deserving to be at the receiving end. For now, I just have to wait, pray and be excited for what He has in stored for me. And definitely, I'll experience love truer and more magical that I can imagine.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. - Psalm 139:14