Day 3: Moving On

It's still not getting easier. I still miss him. I still think of him.

It's HK holiday today, so I have no work. Slept most of the day. Watched some shows on TV. Chatted with friends. And yeah, still kinda stalked him. Does he even think about me?

It sucks that you no longer matter to the person you have loved and cared so much. It sucks when you realize how dispensable you are. It sucks when you no longer have someone to say good morning or goodnight to. When he has been part of your daily habit, and now you're missing a chunk of your life.

I was looking at my Instagram feed awhile ago. I can easily pinpoint which posts I am not okay because of him. It's pretty a lot, I'll say. I remember when I was feeling disappointed or when I was heartbroken because I learned that there's someone else. I remember not talking to him on those days. And then there was me reaching out to him after few days and then we'll be okay again. It was a tiring cycle.

How can I long for someone who has caused me pain? Who has easily taken me for granted and has not valued me? Why can I not hate him? What is wrong with me?

Sorry to the person who is reading this if I'm not making sense at all. Maybe you have something that can help me?

Day 1 and Day 2 of Moving On

I have to blog again. After 2 years of hiatus, I'm back.

I'm one day delayed of starting this x days moving on series but I did feel the need to starting writing my thoughts again because I feel like I'm going crazy.

Yes, I just had my heart broken. Well, it's not really like a one event thing but it was weeks, months, years of heartaches. And just the other day, I have decided to put an end on it by sending him a goodbye email. Honestly, a part of me don't wanna do it because I know there's no turning back. I know him, he's not the type who'll go chasing. Well, I guess in the first place, he never did the chasing. But "breaking-up" with him is something which I need to do.

The first 2 days are hard. I really am missing him. Not to know what he's up to or how was his day is killing me. I'd constantly check if he's online or if he has already replied to my email (which is so unlikely though). I'm endlessly wondering if he thinks of me or even misses me. But who am I kidding? The reality is he doesn't care.

I tried to be busy. Played with my nephew, went out with my parents, chatted with my friends and did some swiping on Tinder. But hell, my mind still wanders. And then you'll have that moment of re-realization of the fact that it's over and your heart will once again hurt so bad.I don't know how long before I'll get through this but I can't wait for this moving on part to be over because this is so freaking hard!

Desperately in Love

Don't find love. Let love find you.

I read this is my news feed today. And it struck me. Because for awhile, I was desperately looking for love. Trying hard to make more of the relationship which I have right now.

I guess, I just long for that feeling. The feeling of having someone special. Someone to share your experiences/plans with. Someone to worry if you're not yet home when it's already late. Someone to wish you to have a great day at work. Someone to tell you how pretty you are in your dress. Someone to tell you how much he misses you. Someone to call your own.

Been feeling lonely for a time now. And to have someone, who would do those things for you even though you know they're not seriously into you, would make you feel really good. It would make you hope that, maybe, just maybe, it could turn to something else. Something deeper, not just a casual fling.

I admit being 28 and single is kinda scary. Specially, if you're the type who does see yourself spending your life with a partner and with a family. I don't even plan to progress much in my career because I really want to be a housewife and to be a stay-home mom. Some people think it's pathetic and a waste of my talent, but that's where my heart is. I am not really a corporate woman type.

The uncertainty makes you anxious and would make you take things into your own hands. You might say nothing is wrong with that. But admittedly, I know I can't trust myself. Because I am too afraid to end up alone, I try look for love at wrong places and just settle to what I can find.

Honestly, I don't have a bunch of checklist. I have a simple taste for guys. But for some reason, I tend to end up with guys who I know could harm me in the long run. I guess they can just sense my desperation and take advantage of it. Or maybe I am just so stupid and naive.

But if you'll think about your worth, you'll realize how much you deserve. After all, I was saved and seen precious by God. If you can see your true worth, you won't settle for anything less. Yes, it's hard to trust without knowing. But always know that you have a God who deeply cares and loves you so much.

I know how much love I can give and I want someone deserving to be at the receiving end. For now, I just have to wait, pray and be excited for what He has in stored for me. And definitely, I'll experience love truer and more magical that I can imagine.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. - Psalm 139:14

Surrender

I have REALLY been stubborn. Trying to handle things on my own. I know what I have to do. But still, I refuse, believing that I can fix myself... that time will do it's own healing. But then again, I know it's not enough. I get frustrated and tired. Stupidly asking why I am not moving on. Why I'm still stuck where I was months ago... All this time, I know the answer.

I have been fighting with God all this years. Thinking that I can handle my life better than Him. Look what it got me. I brought this harm to myself and now my heart is hurting. I feel empty. And as a quick fix, I find joy and love from things that are temporary rather than finding it from the TRUE SOURCE. It runs out easily. I wake up the next day fnding myself sad and lonely again. And the cycle starts again.

Well, enough Jing. No more running. I know it is scary not to have that control and give it to someone else. But I am giving it to God... the all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God. I am in good hands. Definitely, the journey won't be easy. But to know that He has everything sorted out, that He knows what He is doing, that He is good... are enough for me to trust Him.

Jacob wrestled with God. And "He touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the Man". From that moment, he walked away with a new name, a blessed man.

It's amazing how He can break you and make you fall down on your knees. To make you realize that you can't do it on your own. To remind you that He really has never forsaken you and that He is just waiting for you. All you have to do is surrender. 

I am expectant and excited for change... Maybe it won't happen overnight. But now, I am looking forward to what He has in stored for me.

Virtual Love

When I hear that a couple met online, I always say to myself "Naaah. They're not going to last". Yes. I am that cynical, judgmental girl. I've never believed in long distance relationship specially of one that is built online. But funny how things turned out because now, I'm in one.

I met him on ON.com. An app I downloaded from Playstore. The reason why I did it? Because I was bored (I was unemployed that time) and I am interested on meeting some new people from another country. I remember meeting a few friends on Yahoo chatrooms back when I was in highschool (I wonder what happened to them). And I was hoping to do the same now. But apparently most people now in chatrooms are more interested on having sex than exchanging ideas or clean conversations.

On ON.com, you post your pictures for other people to like and to start-up conversations. For few days, most of the guys I've met are only interested to see me naked and to talk dirty with me, which is really disappointing. Until he came along...

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I wrote this entry last October 2013. Wasn't able to finish and publish it. But I am posting this anyway. An update though, the guy I was talking about in this blog, well, we are no longer "together". I ended things with him because I met someone. Someone I thought was a keeper. But I was HELL wrong. Maybe it was a mistake that I ended my relationship with him. But it is what it is. He is now happy with someone else. I'll always consider him as a friend though. What we had is good and I don't regret downloading that app and meeting him. Maybe not the ending I was hoping for but I know that what we had is true. I am grateful that he has been a part of my life. Even just for a moment.... 7 months to be exact.

The Dementor

I can say I already met the most terrible, difficult person in the world (at least in my world).

He's egoistic, hypocritical and mean.

He takes joy out of the office. And he makes his staffs' lives miserable.

He thinks so highly of himself and never accepts his mistakes.

He is self-righteous and proud.

He takes a story and distort it with his own version of truth.

He is a credit grabber and makes it a point that you KNOW all the things he did for you (or what he thinks he did for you).

He is pretentious and a snob.

He has his own version of reality which we cannot agree to.

He even made a good person lose his patience that he decided that he is done understanding him and his bad attitude.

This list can go on that anything good about him doesn't count anymore.

I may sound judgemental and mean for the things I've said. But I dunno, he is really like that and it's unbelievable that such a person exists.

I do feel bad that he makes my friends' lives miserable and torment them with his words. He has no right to make them feel bad about themselves especially that they didn't do him anything wrong.

I don't know when he'll understand the fact that he is horrible and that he is not the awesome, righteous guy that he thinks of himself.

Even though he is no longer with them, he still finds his way to torment them.

After everything that had happened him, he still can't realize the bad things that he did. I wish that he'll learn his lessons before it is too late.

I mean you can never change unless you accept that something is wrong with you right?

The Dark Side of a Credit Card

Credit card in itself is not evil. Actually, it's beneficial if used right. Big purchases can be converted into installments. Online transactions are more convenient. Also, bills can be settled without hassle with their auto-charge feature.

When I was at my first year at work, credit card agents started to call me. They offered cards with promo like a discounted gadget upon sign up, and so on. I was cynical at first since I had this bad notion about credit cards. I continue to declined their offers until one day, I got persuaded by this sweet, friendly agent. She said I don't have to pay anything since the first year of membership is waived and I can just cut it after a year if I don't want to renew my membership. So I signed up. I thought of it as a favor since the agent has a quota to reach for that month. And also, I'll get to afford an iPod Touch for an installment of 24 months at 0% interest. Not a bad investment, I thought.

I reconciled to myself that I'll pay the amount due in full on or before the due date so as not to incur any additional charges. I actually did that for 2 years. I even had 2 additional credit cards. One with the same bank but a Visa and another MasterCard with a different bank.

I did well, until the last quarter of 2012, I started to have difficulty in meeting up my dues. This continued until I finally realized I am actually broke. My income is no longer enough to cover my dues. And since I don't have money and I need to buy groceries or eat meals, I charged it to my credit card. It has become a vicious cycle.

My mom finally stepped in and decided to help me by applying for a loan. The money was used to settle everything which in turn saved me from the endless finance and late charges. I got to breathe again. At least now, I can start anew and just focus on paying the monthly amortization of my mom's loan.

Now I'm learning to fight the urge to shop with my card especially if I don't have the real money to purchase it. I had this mentality before that if I can't pay now, then I can do it later. Hence, the use of credit card. And look where it took me.

I recently saw the movie Confessions of a Shopaholic and actually I was able to relate. I know the "need" to buy something (for me it has been food) and the feeling of happiness after having it. But it is actually a trap. It's a wrong kind of contentment because it is not actually yours. It is a debt. Don't let yourself be fooled because one day you'll just realize that you're already drowning in it.