Surrender

I have REALLY been stubborn. Trying to handle things on my own. I know what I have to do. But still, I refuse, believing that I can fix myself... that time will do it's own healing. But then again, I know it's not enough. I get frustrated and tired. Stupidly asking why I am not moving on. Why I'm still stuck where I was months ago... All this time, I know the answer.

I have been fighting with God all this years. Thinking that I can handle my life better than Him. Look what it got me. I brought this harm to myself and now my heart is hurting. I feel empty. And as a quick fix, I find joy and love from things that are temporary rather than finding it from the TRUE SOURCE. It runs out easily. I wake up the next day fnding myself sad and lonely again. And the cycle starts again.

Well, enough Jing. No more running. I know it is scary not to have that control and give it to someone else. But I am giving it to God... the all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God. I am in good hands. Definitely, the journey won't be easy. But to know that He has everything sorted out, that He knows what He is doing, that He is good... are enough for me to trust Him.

Jacob wrestled with God. And "He touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the Man". From that moment, he walked away with a new name, a blessed man.

It's amazing how He can break you and make you fall down on your knees. To make you realize that you can't do it on your own. To remind you that He really has never forsaken you and that He is just waiting for you. All you have to do is surrender. 

I am expectant and excited for change... Maybe it won't happen overnight. But now, I am looking forward to what He has in stored for me.

Virtual Love

When I hear that a couple met online, I always say to myself "Naaah. They're not going to last". Yes. I am that cynical, judgmental girl. I've never believed in long distance relationship specially of one that is built online. But funny how things turned out because now, I'm in one.

I met him on ON.com. An app I downloaded from Playstore. The reason why I did it? Because I was bored (I was unemployed that time) and I am interested on meeting some new people from another country. I remember meeting a few friends on Yahoo chatrooms back when I was in highschool (I wonder what happened to them). And I was hoping to do the same now. But apparently most people now in chatrooms are more interested on having sex than exchanging ideas or clean conversations.

On ON.com, you post your pictures for other people to like and to start-up conversations. For few days, most of the guys I've met are only interested to see me naked and to talk dirty with me, which is really disappointing. Until he came along...

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I wrote this entry last October 2013. Wasn't able to finish and publish it. But I am posting this anyway. An update though, the guy I was talking about in this blog, well, we are no longer "together". I ended things with him because I met someone. Someone I thought was a keeper. But I was HELL wrong. Maybe it was a mistake that I ended my relationship with him. But it is what it is. He is now happy with someone else. I'll always consider him as a friend though. What we had is good and I don't regret downloading that app and meeting him. Maybe not the ending I was hoping for but I know that what we had is true. I am grateful that he has been a part of my life. Even just for a moment.... 7 months to be exact.